Over the years, I’ve found that one of life’s great displeasures is that whenever you are single, it feels like people can’t fathom the idea that maybe it is actually by choice. “What are you looking for?”, “Have you ever met X? I think you’d get along”, “You should go on more dates”, “You need to give people a chance”, or the most dreaded of all, when your grandma asks when you’re going to “settle down”. 

See, here’s the thing: I think that in the noise of it all, in the chaos of the individual trying to navigate the collective, we have lost track of the fact that loneliness and being alone are factually very different things. It is so different; in fact, that for this article, I need to take a somewhat two-pronged approach. First, we need to talk about the very serious matter of loneliness before we resume our regularly scheduled broadcasting of funny little anecdotes and hard-hitting one-liners.

Why do I want to separate these terms so starkly, you ask? Well, in truth, the two do not correlate. Whereas being alone is a physical state, loneliness impacts us on an emotional level. We might be surrounded by amazing people, but still feel like we are the only person on the planet. Prisoners to our minds, detached and dejected from the wonder happening around us, caught in a feeling that we are misunderstood or not understood at all, without care, a partner or a community. The statistics regarding loneliness are a rather big cause for concern, with one in four adults across the world reporting that they feel very or fairly lonely. The highest rates of reported loneliness were from respondents between the ages of 19-29 at a staggering 27%. Statistics like these forced the US General Surgeon Dr Vivek H. Murthy to declare loneliness as a US epidemic, but the statistics show that it is by no means contained in the US.

Lonely Plastic Bag DTS

Now, some may say everyone feels a bit lonely at different periods, that it is just “life”, but I’m here to report that it is actually happening at such an unprecedented scale and in such prolonged periods of time that the emotional turmoil of the loneliness epidemic is having a severe impact on our physical well being. It is reported that people between the ages of 15-24 are seeing their friends 70% less than two decades ago. 20 years ago always sounds like the 1980s, but we’re actually talking about the mid-2000s here, the same year Mean Girls was released. The stats get even more troubling: there is a  29% increased risk of heart disease; a 32% increased risk of stroke; and a 50% increased risk of developing dementia for older adults. Dr Murthy even went to the lengths of saying that the health risks simulate smoking 15 cigarettes a day and have a more profound impact on your health than obesity or physical inactivity. 

This may explain why people are so apprehensive towards those of us who choose to be alone or are simply content with being alone for extended periods, especially given that humans are inherently creatures of community. As Dr. Eglantine Julle-Daniere puts it, “All our lives are built around a certain amount of social interaction and physical proximity. Even the most introverted of us could enjoy a limited amount of social contact.” Choosing to be alone and being okay with being alone, however, is fundamentally a very healthy state of being. We need to be able to take a step back from the endless drag that modern dating often presents, and we need to be able to take time to be with ourselves and only with ourselves. We all know that friend who is a serial dater. Every story is a messy collection of fights, breakups, and makeup sex, all predicated by a pretty surface-level connection, evident by the fact that they always refer to their partner as simply “this one” online. So we let the serial daters go about their lives, but the ones who choose to be single are the weird ones, apparently?

It’s important to admit that regardless of having a partner, there will always be room for loneliness. According to a study by Harvard, it was reported that around 16% of people in committed relationships still report feeling chronically lonely for a plethora of reasons, including attachment insecurities, amongst the other challenges that love and affection bring. I am no different. Despite super strong support structures, I often feel lonely. That being said, I still think we should defend and protect our individual need for “aloneness”. Even with a partner that I love and a supportive set of friends, family, and colleagues, I often have an inherent need to be alone, quiet, and still. This may also be why the transition from city rat to mountain man has hit like a truck in the last few years. What’s that meme about the pills to hills pipeline?

In my opinion, there isn’t a set path that needs to be followed, no matter how hard society tries to push the “two kids, a pet and the white picket fence” idea. We are all individuals working on our own timelines, which are subject to change at any moment. Two years ago, I was single, very single and living my best life as a proudly self-proclaimed manwhore. I was having fun, meeting people and not taking anything seriously with regard to relationships. I was planning a move to Cape Town and had sort of made up my mind that seeing anyone seriously would only lead to heartbreak. Well, not even a week before my move, my mind shifted utterly when I met my now fiance and soon to be wife. This was most certainly not according to the plan. Before meeting her, I was very content on staying single, and marriage wasn’t even a thought that had ever crossed my mind, but hey, who the fuck are we to question what is meant to be. I was single and thriving, a term that, in conversations with peers, seems almost to bring a sense of resentment from married couples (I’ll be able to report to you all on that in November).

Sex and The City: Season 5, 2002, HBO licensed via Alamy

I think this paragraph by Dr Frank John Ninivaggi beautifully summarises the importance of mindful aloneness: “Viewing aloneness positively during certain life stages is crucial. Solitude holds significant value in both Eastern and Western traditions. Unlike loneliness, which implies deprivation, aloneness is empowering—a concept rich in meaning and practical application. Whether alone or with others, aloneness is viewed positively. Aloneness used wisely is a mindful growth mindset.” He goes on to state that we can reflect on the healthy aspects of social participation within these periods of mindful aloneness. At that moment, we see the bigger picture as if we were a bit too close to it before to appreciate and realise just how special it is. 

It is the time to internalise those feelings of gratitude, love and care, to plant the seeds that you are loved and seen and that you yourself strive to fill the same role in the lives of others. That you don’t need someone else but that you choose to spend time with others because you want to not because you’re forced to. You might be in bed, in a dimly lit room, awake later than you should be, and yes, you may be alone, but you can be alone and absolutely thriving. 

I want to end with this extract from Dr. Julle-Daniere, as it is something that I preach a lot in these pieces. 

”We are surrounded by noise, all day long. Our senses are stimulated at all times. Even during our sleep, our ears are still perceiving the sounds around us, which in turn can affect the quality of our sleep. Creating silence around us, acoustic silence, but also attentional silence (when we stop looking for stimulation and shut ourselves from the world) and finally, physical silence (by the absence of movement, remaining still or walking slowly), can be extremely beneficial. Our brain does not shut down in those silent times, on the contrary: our thoughts wander, we daydream and listen to our inner thoughts, and our brain uses this time to remove all the waste created during the day. This form of silence is about shifting your attention from the outside world towards the inside of your body and your mind. This silent state brings a calmness that allows your body and your mind to recharge. Meditating is not about (or not only about) anchoring yourself in the present time; it should be about creating the headspace for your thoughts to drift away, focus on your breathing as a way to stimulate the wander. Which in turn can make you more creative and develop your instincts.”

Written by: Casey Delport

For more news, visit the Connect Everything Collective homepage www.ceconline.co.za

Let me set the scene. You clocked off from your job in a highrise building situated in Cape Town CBD, which you suspect was built as a tax write-off all those years ago. You meander through a sea of corporate beige and grey over modular carpet that smells stale and stuffy. You and ten of your other colleagues are about to wedge yourself into the elevator that takes you to what seems like an endless car park when Doug, your manager, steps in, “Hey bud, can we quickly chat? You see, we actually just need a report on all the financials by tomorrow.” You say “sure, Doug, no problem!”, but what you mean to say is fuck you and fuck this place; you give a little nod and walk to your car. Fortunately, it starts, but the petrol gauge looks threateningly low, so you stop by the Engen on Annandale, fill up with enough petrol to get you home and have a microwaveable meal from the Woolies, just to repeat the same routine tomorrow: Ahhh, the privilege of living at the height of late capitalism. 

Now look, I’ll be the first to admit that the paragraph above is mostly a gross generalisation and somewhat of a summary of a bunch of stories I’ve heard from friends and peers. Not every boss is some caricature capitalist in a top hat and monocle, and not every manager is a Doug, but I think we’ve all had days when the grind of the 9 to 5 felt like an insurmountable obstacle to climb. Like our boss, our colleagues and the whole world have decided to wage a war on our mental well-being for no apparent reason. Extreme as it may seem, your prolonged sense of melancholy is probably somewhat justified. Simply put, even if you have an understanding, kind and above all, ethical boss – the simple truth is that the modern system is a bit broken. We are mostly getting paid less for more work, all the while living in an increasingly more expensive society. 

One of the foremost capitalist economists, John Maynard Keynes, predicted in 1930 that we would work about 15-hour work weeks in modern society. This prediction seems laughable, and I’d go out on a limb and say there are probably more people working 15 hours a day globally than 15 hours a week. In an article by NPR, they tried to figure out how he (who is one of the most influential modern economists) could have been so far off the mark. In the article, Richard Freeman, a Harvard economist, says that Keynes underestimated the human desire to compete. He then brings up an example of athletes on mega contracts deciding to compete year after year even though they had probably already made enough money to support themselves and their families potentially for generations. 

Well, frankly, I reject Freeman’s assertion as irrelevant; professional sports careers and working your fingers to the bone for minimum wage in an Amazon mega factory while not really being allowed to take bathroom breaks is not comparable. Here’s the thing, it’s not about humans’ inherent desire to compete but, to my mind, how consumerism and capitalism prods and pokes us, constantly incentivising this social hierarchy based almost exclusively on output and wealth accumulation. We don’t necessarily want to compete. We are forced to.

Alex Kotliarskyi – Unsplash

At the turn of the century, we saw a large amount of critique of the state of society, particularly pertaining to work culture and consumerism, in mass media, with films like Fight Club and American Psycho. Today, we have men who don’t see Patrick Bateman as a parody of the finance bro but rather some gigachad (IYKYK) to look up to. Fight Club isn’t read as a satirical take on the state of modern masculinity but a call to arms for the alt-right and incels all over the web.

So, what is the result of a system that is fundamentally broken? Unfortunately, the alternatives are often just as flawed. Now I get it, we all want to make some more money, but are we all really that desperate for money that there is a market big enough to support the sheer amount of financial “gurus” online and on every second podcast promising you unending wealth through their “members only” financial scams? Then again, the infamous Nigerian Prince scam was far more effective in swindling people out of their money than you could ever imagine. Take one of the funniest examples of the grindset, hustle culture mental gymnastics, which I had the pleasure of experiencing when it popped up on my feed. Ed Mylett breaks his day into three separate six-hour days in his own words; I don’t know who is going to tell big bro that he hasn’t hacked life and that he has, in fact, discovered the concept of morning, afternoon and evening. 

In the title, I mention that I think we should focus on the 5pm to 9pm more than the 9am to 5pm, and I wholeheartedly stand by that. There is no get-rich-quick fix or some magic formula, but I also stand by the fact that working yourself to the bone is not the way to go. As always, the key concept here is balance.

The trend of focusing on the 5am to 9am before the traditional 9 to 5 work day took TikTok by storm in 2022 when people started documenting how they spent their time before work, heading to the gym and working on their side hustles and entrepreneurial pursuits. Now, although there isn’t anything inherently wrong with what these influencers were doing, the content had attached to it, an unfortunate by-product. Say hello to the trend of hyper-productivity, where social media isn’t the escape you wanted it to be but rather a cause for anxiety and terror that you are constantly behind, lazy and almost never working hard enough. It’s the homies overdosing on Diary of a CEO, intravenously jacking themselves up or off to David Goggins, telling them they’re a little bitch and following the internet-favourite, jacked neuroscientist Andrew (daddy) Huberman’s protocols on every aspect of their lives. It’s the homie that links you to the article on why the NFTs he bought will rebound and make him millions or the YouTube video explaining how “Perineum Sunning” will change your life. It’s fucking 75 Hard, and people are making you feel shit for the fact that you aren’t doing it while Kim Kardashian famously said, “Get your ass up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days.” When there is more than enough evidence to support that millennials are one of the most workaholic generations the world has ever known (shoutout to Gen Z for giving absolutely zero fucks).

I myself got caught in that hyper-productivity trap, and in a recent conversation with my therapist, I spoke about the amount of anxiety I’ve been feeling about my future, my work,  accumulating money and material things, as well as providing for my partner and I; even though there has never been that expectation. I felt like a failure and was deeply unhappy because I was convinced I wasn’t doing enough. This is a common theme we see amongst ourselves and peers as a result of social media and the constant push of toxic positivity. 

So, what did I do? I started focusing on my 5 to 9, and by this, I mean 5pm to 9pm (not everyone has to be a morning person). The change has been nothing short of dramatic, particularly when it comes to the state of my own mental health.  I try as best I can to keep proper working hours and dedicate the evening to quality time with friends and loved ones, engaging in habits and practices that bring me joy. What that looks like differs, sometimes it is just a lazy dinner and binge-watching a show on Netflix (although I am trying my utmost not to succumb to that temptation all the time). Four nights a week, it’s rock climbing. Admittedly, my own personal ick is that I’ve become a “boulder bro”, but it’s something that makes me feel accomplished and happy. Some nights, I simply escape into the world of a novel while my partner works on her endless array of arts and crafts projects, and some nights, it really is work.  Either for a looming deadline (ah, to be a writer) or tweaking some personal ongoing projects. 

​

Rahadian Syah – Unsplash

All in all, a 9-5 job is the reality for most people. We need to pay the bills, people; but I want this article to illustrate that maybe the 9 to 5 shouldn’t be the centrepiece of our finite existence on this planet. A job should enable you to live how you want, not completely take over your life. Some people are lucky enough to do what they love, and often in this regard, the work-life balance is even more necessary. So I reiterate; focus on your 5 to 9, am or pm – whatever works for you. Get to the gym, go for a swim, grab that beer with mates, go on that date, take that nap, but most importantly, in whatever you do, make sure it’s what you want to do and not what you think you have to do. Don’t feel bullied by that podcaster calling you lazy for not being at the pique of fitness or running 3 side hustles. At the same time, if you’re growing or working on something that requires extra time, that’s cool too. 

There is no right way to do it, and what’s “right” is going to differ from person to person, but at the end of the day, spend your 5 – 9 in a way that makes you most happy.  It’s about pouring effort and energy into things where the reward is equal and above the effort.

Written by: Casey Delport

For more news, visit the Connect Everything Collective homepage www.ceconline.co.za

As I said before, I struggle to find the words, so I think I’ll borrow some that maybe some of you can relate to. On a rewatch of The Bear, in a particularly self-pitying state of mind after what I consider to be some of my worst writing, I was greeted by one of the best representations of imposter syndrome within my reading of it. Carmen (Jeremy Allen White) has a flashback of his time at his previous job in New York getting broken down by the Head Chef. The scene shows just how toxic an industry he finds himself in, but I always found the scene to resonate with the kind of self-talk I rather worryingly engage in regularly. 

HC: Why do you hire fucking idiots? Do you like working with fucking idiots?
Carmen: I’ll do better.
HC: Say, “yes, Chef.”
Carmen: Yes, Chef.
HC: Can you not handle this? Is it too much for you? Answer me.
Carmen: I can handle it.
HC: I can handle it, Chef.
Carmen: I can handle it, Chef.
HC: 12! 10! 36! Don’t fuck with my count!
Carmen: Fire 8, 13, 36!
HC: 3! 52! 14!
Carmen: Sorry, Chefs! 8, 13, 29!
HC: Why are you serving broken sauces? Why? I get it. You have a short man’s complex. You can barely reach over this fucking table, right? Is this why you have the tattoos and your cool little scars, and you go out, you take your smoke breaks? It’s fun, isn’t it? But, here’s the thing. You’re terrible at this. You’re no good at it. Go faster, motherfucker. Keep going faster. Why are you so slow? Why are you so fucking slow? Why? You think you’re so tough. Yeah. Why don’t you say this? Say, “yes, Chef, I’m so tough.”
Carmen: Yes, Chef. I’m so tough.
HC: Say, “fucking yes, Chef. I’m so tough.”
Carmen: Yes, Chef. I’m so tough.
HC: You are not tough.
You are bullshit. You are talentless. Say fucking hands.
Carmen: Hands!
HC: You should be dead.

The Bear, Licensed Image Alamy

When I say this scene cut deep, it cut deep (kitchen/chef pun most certainly not intended).

What is this phenomenon of ‘imposter syndrome’? Labelling it as a “syndrome” makes it sound like some sort of disease, but this isn’t really the case. Psychologist Pauline Rose Clance and her colleague Suzanne Imes were the first to study the topic in 1978 and focussed their study on successful women and marginalised groups. Since that first study, it has become apparent that this feeling is practically universal as “the same thing has been established across gender, race, age, and a huge range of occupations… To call it a syndrome is to downplay how universal it is. It’s not a disease or an abnormality, and it isn’t necessarily tied to depression, anxiety, or self-esteem.” I guess there is the first point of solace to be found, we are truly not alone with regard to this feeling. As such, we shouldn’t be so averse to talking about it with others because your peers, colleagues and/or loved ones may be experiencing the same thing more often than not. 

After a particularly bad day, I recently opened up to my partner. I rewatched Barbie alone at 9 am and cried to Billie Eilish and Boygenius singing when the party’s over together. It was a dark day, and I needed some cathartic relief. Essentially, my very open, very honest and very vulnerable conversation with my partner boiled down to me feeling lost, out of touch with my writing, with the culture, with the audience and just generally feeling like an undeserving fraud. Fortunately, she is far more level-headed than I am and pointed out that in this case, as is the case quite often, I was being my own worst enemy. Nobody called me out, chastised me, or even mentioned that they didn’t like my work. It was all me just convincing myself that this made-up reality in my head was, in fact, the undeniable truth. My need to produce perfection had, in turn, produced a very avoidable path to a panic attack.

On the point of perfectionism, there are five subgroups which pertain to Imposter Syndrome, as coined by Dr. Valerie Young: the Perfectionist, the Superhuman, the Natural Genius, the Soloist, and the Expert. These closely follow the original six criteria expressed by Clance, but these are more digestible and convenient, Young has also provided tools to deal with each.

The Perfectionist: Imposter syndrome and perfectionism go hand in hand. It’s hard to feel satisfaction in your success when you constantly believe that you could have done it all better.

Tool: Although it may be easier said than done, we must accept that mistakes and failures are also part of the process. It’s a part of the process that allows us to learn and grow. For the perfectionist, there is often a debilitating amount of planning and overthinking involved, which in turn means we often overthink our way out of pursuing a project or taking a chance. Young suggests just forcing yourself to start something you’ve been planning for months, as realistically, there’ll never be a perfect time.

The Superhuman: Have you ever thought, ‘I just need to work harder and harder to measure up’? Well, this is a common tactic to cover up insecurities relating to our jobs. We want to be invaluable all in pursuit of validation, external validation that I’m sorry to say doesn’t pay the bills but rather just gives us an often false and skewed sense of security. 

Tool: Here, Young recommends focusing your efforts on cultivating positive inner validation rather than focusing on external validation as fuel. This way, we also get to understand that constructive criticism isn’t meant to be personal but rather a set of suggestions to be looked at, reviewed and evaluated. Once we realise that the opinions of others don’t matter nearly as much as we think, we can slowly start to find balance in the workload we take on, morphing our schedules to be far more reasonable. 

The Natural Genius: Young mentions here that often, we set our own internal bars so impossibly high that we are prone to failure and disappointment. We don’t measure our success or aptitude at acquiring a new skill by the effort we put in, able to see that, slowly but surely, we are improving. Unfortunately, we set the bar so high that we believe if we are some prodigy, acquiring a skill with ease at an inhuman rate that, we are inherently a failure.

Tool: We are all simply a work in progress. I have also been of the opinion that I am terrible at learning new languages, but I’ve always been quite proficient in picking up new sports or a hobby if I’m immensely interested in it. I am very slow in new language acquisition, but the polyglot I’m comparing myself to probably couldn’t hold a candle against me in many of my other hobbies. Focus on one small aspect at a time to improve this rather than trying to master something difficult all in one fell swoop. 

The Soloist: This is that ‘I can do it all by myself’ trait. Young identifies this subgroup as those who believe that asking for help inadvertently exposes you as the fraud you picture yourself as, and thus, you turn away help even if it would be beneficial. (I am just saying on a side note that this screams to the plight of modern masculinity and my gender’s endless obsession with dangerous alpha male doctrines.) 

Tool: Realise that there is no shame in asking for help. I, for example, am in the infancy of even learning Korean, so if I don’t know how to read something or say something, I’ll just ask my partner. However, this translates into a wider experience, so for all the macho bravado manne out there, remember real men cry to Barbie and Billie Eilish.

The Expert: Young explains that this subgroup measures their value on how much they know, constantly living in fear that they don’t know enough and will be caught out eventually.

Tool: Listen, there is always more to learn, but we simply do not have to know everything. Just imagine how overwhelming that would be. Young suggests we adopt a method called ‘just-in-time learning’; that is to say that we acquire skills when we need them.

Courtesy of DTS

So why is this a super extensive article about Imposter Syndrome? Well, it isn’t some self-soothing exercise, although the writing of this article has been far more impactful as a vehicle for cathartic relief than I ever could have imagined. Simply put, I am trying to be this comprehensive because the statistics show that 70% of us will experience imposter syndrome at some point in our careers. Now, to my fellow creatives out there, the message is even more bleak. The creative and design industry has the highest reported percentage of people with imposter syndrome, with one survey reporting figures as high as 87% of respondents. There’s this beautiful article on It’s Nice That, which I don’t want to butcher by picking bits and pieces as I think it should be read as a whole, that deals with that immense sense of imposter syndrome experienced by those in the creative field. 

To some extent, we are prisoners of our situation. Our work and its value are kind of decided on by those who engage with it, and that is a fucking terrifying thought. In a modern age, we have become prisoners to trends, TikTok, algorithms and stats. How many click throughs did I get, how many eyes can I attract and keep, and how can I leverage those eyes for financial gain? This is all before we even consider the work we produce or plan to create. So how do we manage? Well, we accept the absurdity of it all. We are all just wandering around, not quite sure what we are doing or if we are doing it in the right way.  Listen, if even one of the greatest minds in the history of our flawed species, Albert Einstein himself, thought he was nothing more than an “involuntary swindler”, we could all be far more kind to ourselves.

Written by: Casey Delport

For more news, visit the Connect Everything Collective homepage www.ceconline.co.za

Somehow, we are already approaching the end of January; the start of 2024 is racing by at unprecedented speed. Schools are up and running and corporate cubicles have already drained their occupants of all the festive joy that they had clutched to, while gyms around the country are both overcrowded and simultaneously sneering at the sheer amount of people who will have to pay penalties for cancelling their memberships early. 

New Year’s resolutions rarely stick. A Time Magazine article claims that a staggering 80% of people fail to keep to their resolutions by February and only around 8% stick with them throughout the year. I am guilty of this myself, going from a dedicated two hours of studying Korean daily to a quick toilet lesson to keep my stupid little streak alive (oh, the shame). So, instead of hanging your head in shame, think of the new year as an opportunity to pick up some new things and rethink your routine. Let’s not try and completely reinvent ourselves when we can rather take more overarching steps that benefit us and those around us.

IN:

Therapy as a form of self-care: This is precisely what I mean when I refer to a more overarching approach because self-care will look different for every person. It’s not all about facemasks and candles and meditating or getting to the gym. You might be the most active person with their diet absolutely dialled in, but that has led to an unhealthy and unbalanced approach to daily life. Self-care can be as simple as getting out of the house, keeping active even if that activity level is minimal and prioritising activities and actions that bring a sense of fulfilment but the one bit of self-care I’d recommend to everyone is therapy. Fuck, get everyone you can on that. Friends, family and lovers alike . Learning to understand and manage our triggers is one of the most sane and valuable things we can do for ourselves. Let’s be honest; we have no chance to look at our own lives and experiences objectively. It’s important for every human, at some point, to speak to a professional about what they’re going through, have been through and to evaluate areas of self that need healing and addressing. It doesn’t always have to be a long dramatic endeavour, for some it might be simpler than for others but check in, evaluate and evolve. It will do wonders for your personal, professional and romantic lives.  I’d also like to include in this self-care segment, physical health; getting enough sleep (guys, we’re ageing) – or, even the most banal forms of self-care like getting that mole checked out or actually going for blood tests to see if you are in fact, gluten intolerant- hell, even start on some supplements. Why shouldn’t we feel our best?

Sort of digital detoxes: Now, hold up, don’t go on that digital detox just yet. I need you to read this article for me to get paid. However, this is an important issue that I think we often hear about without truly internalising its reality. Most of us are utterly addicted to the very device you’re reading this on. We are wasting away our lives on pure screen time alone. South Africans actually average the most screen time per day globally (around 9h 27m); not that I’m surprised – I see way too many people literally scrolling through TikTok while driving on the highway. Being online is an essential aspect of modern society. It is a treasure trove of information, but once again, if you’re consuming TikTok on the highway or spending more of your day on Instagram than you are in real life, you’re getting robbed of reality. Get outdoors, give yourself a buffer in the morning before doom scrolling and set up times that devices aren’t allowed so that you can be present and, I mean, fully present for those important people around you.

All things adulting: This is most certainly the hardest of all of the in’s because, well, even at the best of times, adulting is a fucking nightmare. Taxes, rent, saving for holidays, being able to save at all in a crippling cost of living crisis while my disdain for my medical aid provider grows by the second as they increase my monthly payment every three months? All of it is too much, but unfortunately, we have to do it.. I’m trying to save up for my wedding in Korea, all while feeling like I’m in an inescapable chokehold of monthly expenses when my debit orders do catastrophic damage to my bank balance. Frankly, I’m failing, but fortunately, that is all also part of the ebb and flow of adulting. I’d like to recommend a book by Sam Beckbessinger, ‘How to Manage Your Money like a Fucking Grownup: The Best Money Advice You Never Got’. Also, do your taxes. 

Being Politically Active as a South African: This is not the time and place for an at-length discussion about politics and certainly not with regards to the complexities thereof on a global and domestic scale, but given that it is an election year and given that this election plays a significant role in determining the trajectory of our country for at least a 5-year cycle I can no longer sit by as people complain about shortcomings in SA all while silently observing from the outside. The global geopolitical chaos of 2023 illuminated the need for political participation on both a global and particularly local level. Let’s not forget that decades of oppression and discrimination were fought against for a chance at democracy, for the right for all South Africans over 18 of all races and gender identities to choose who they want to represent them. I get that we feel let down, that it feels somewhat hopeless, that it feels like nothing much will change. That is certainly true when the youth’s fate is predominantly left to those who don’t represent our interests. Around 63.3% of South Africa’s population are people in the 15 to 34 age category, according to Statistics South Africa in 2020, but we have always been vastly outnumbered at the polls. There are, however, promising signs as 78.31% (445 089) of newly registered voters from November last year formed part of this demographic. So, this is more of a call to action. I know it can be depressing and overwhelming to be constantly bombarded with just how fragile our world is. Still, whether you participate privately or publicly, we simply have to participate. See you at the polls.

Photographed by Sarah Chai, via Pexels

OUT:

Self-doubt: We can all be our best selves all the time. Creeping doubts are a normal part of day-to-day life. Channelled correctly, these doubts can be impactful precursors to immense growth as they tend to be reflective periods in which we can really hunker down and see what we want to keep and what we’d like to scrap. I am, however, referring more to the absolutely debilitating levels of self-doubt that feel paralysing—imposter syndrome on a professional and personal level. Let’s get this straight absolutely no one has it all figured out. No one knows what the fuck their doing, and that’s sort of the beauty of it all. There’s no need to feel left behind or embarrassed and certainly no reason to be inauthentic because, frankly, we’re all just moths flying endlessly from light to light, trying to figure shit out.

Self-destruction: I more than most often advocate for some level of hedonism, often adopting a “why the hell not” attitude and seeing where the chips fall. Unfortunately for me, that usually means a spiral into a deep depressive episode that takes weeks, if not months, to get out of, so in 2024, we are leaving all that shit behind. Look, I’m not saying don’t enjoy yourself. I, for one, am still going to indulge in my hedonistic tendencies, but the keyword here has to be balance. No more binges, body banging off the wall benders or breaking yourself down in self-pity. 

Over time/thinking/consumption: We are leaving many “overs”  this year. First and foremost is overtime. Granted, sometimes it has to be done, whether you’re an employee or self employed but once again guys, balance is key. You’re not good professionally if you’re burnt out.. Secondly, this year, we really need to leave overthinking behind. Imagine we are playing out whole scenarios before they even happen based on what assumptions, at best fucking miss me with that. I feel like I already have a million things to think of on a day-to-day basis, and simply put, I will try not to allow myself to spend a lot of that time fixated on fantasy. Last but not least, overconsumption. There simply is too much of a good thing, and wastage across the board is insane. We throw away an absolutely ridiculous amount of food, trends die, and items end up in landfills. The sheer demand for things means we are burning through crucial resources faster than they would ever be able to be replenished. So, this is a call to be more mindful. Buy smaller shopping carts and make sure you use everything, eat your leftovers, curate small but functional wardrobes, buy quality over quantity, and, most of all, be conscious of every consumer action you take. 

Not being present for yourself and others: I may have touched on this in the digital detox segment, but I mean it differently within this context. At the core of it, life is fundamentally one big game of time management. It’s finite and inevitably ends for all of us, so your job, above all else, is to choose how you will spend it. This brings me to my point: spend it wisely. Drop the “I’ll do it tomorrow” attitude because you’re only stealing your time and consuming that invaluable resource. Similarly, this also extends to respecting other people’s time. Fuck fashionably late, be there when you agreed on and be present. Time is the most valuable asset, so don’t neglect it.

Let me level with you. I’m not surprised that the failure rate of New Year’s resolutions is that high. Frankly, I don’t think people are all that desperate to change. We are a collection of flaws and frailties of self-loathing and doubt. We are acutely aware of all our shortcomings, but at the end of the day, they make us who we are. I don’t expect anyone ever to completely turn their life around and become a gym freak, a raw vegan health nut who never does anything wrong. Hopefully this is a guide on how you and I can be even more likeable to ourselves and those around us.

Written by: Casey Delport

For more news, visit the Connect Everything Collective homepage www.ceconline.co.za

Well, it’s that time of the year again. Dezemba has reared its head, and a terrific – if not often tumultuous – year is drawing to an end. Dezemba, in my experience, often brings with it debauchery as sun-kissed skin turns to skin kissed by someone’s son after one too many glasses of prosecco. The insular everyone-knows-everyone Cape Town scene becomes harder and harder to navigate as wires of hookups and hangouts get tangled. Kloof Street sounds unfamiliar, with a smattering of European accents everywhere, and this never-ending Joburg heatwave means we’re all half-naked anyway, so we might as well take off all our clothes (shoutout Nelly). But between sweat, sun, shots of tequila, and endlessly swiping on Swedish 10s on Tinder, I want to finish off the year’s Navigating Realities segment on a somewhat serious note. Today, I want us all to talk and actively engage with our sexual health and safe sex practices. 

Now, many of you might be asking, well, why? The thing is, if you have multiple sexual partners, it is not only in your own self-interest but, the bare minimum you can do for your sexual partners. It’s here that I want to drive a stake into the stigma. STI’s do not see race or class or consider social standing. Too often have I heard or have had people try to convince me that they couldn’t possibly have been exposed to an STI purely based on their perception of the company they keep. Let’s just say, based on my own experiences, too many of us are far too lax with engaging in or suggesting unprotected sex with people we don’t know all that well. 

I brought this up in a previous article, but if you play a little game with yourself and those around you, it becomes very apparent that we as a society are not very good at managing our sexual health. Ask yourself when you last tested for STIs? Have you ever tested for STIs? How regularly have the people you engage/d with sexually tested, if ever? See how quickly the holes appear? It also doesn’t take a lot of data digging to see that we are not following the best safe sex practices. Although the National Strategic Plan for HIV, TB and STIs states there has been a significant decrease in the number of syphilis cases, there “has been no substantial decrease in gonorrhoea and chlamydia cases for the past 30 years. In 2017, there were an estimated 4.5 million people diagnosed with gonorrhoea, 5.8 million people with chlamydia.” Take into account that these are documented cases, and given the fact that chlamydia, for example, often doesn’t show any visible symptoms at all, the number is probably astronomically higher. Frighteningly, “less than 40% of all cases [reported through the District Health Information System] of chlamydia and gonorrhoea were treated.”

So we have large percentages of the population that have one or more STIs, and we have a large percentage of those people unwilling or unable to seek treatment for those STIs. And then we come to the very worrying part. The STIs mentioned above are quite tame in the grander scheme of things. They present minimal danger and are pretty easy to treat. These trends also translate to STIs that can have far more dire consequences. It is well known and well published that South Africa is still in the midst of an ongoing HIV epidemic, with People Living with HIV (PLHIV) in South Africa at 13.5% in 2022, which equates to approximately 8 million people. Another incredibly common STI is of course,  Human Papillomavirus (HPV)  This virus tends to go undetected despite persistent infection, leading to abnormal cell changes in the cervix (in women), which in turn can increase the likelihood of cervical cancer development over time. It can spread through close skin-to-skin contact during sex and a person with HPV can pass the infection to someone even when they have no signs or symptoms. It’s also worth noting that there is a vaccine that has been developed for HPV and I, as always, encourage you to seek the advice of a healthcare professional to learn more about this preventative measure. 

The journey to safer sex practices and a society that prioritises sexual health has to start with the individual. Last year, my wonderful colleague Holly Beaton wrote a sensitive and pertinent piece about knowing your HIV status, a piece I highly recommend, which you can read here. In it, she discusses some of the preventative measures mainly related to HIV, such as Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis (PrEP), a medicine that is highly effective in reducing the risk of getting HIV from sex  when taken as prescribed.

A large part of why I think South Africans are poor at imposing good sexual health practices relates to the stigma regarding STIs in SA. Frankly, I place the blame firmly on the conservative standard of sexual education we received in school and the private sector. Needless to say, the government’s implementation of what they call Comprehensive Sexuality Education (CSE) is commendable. However, it ultimately falls short of having a sustained impact, and the private sector still spews abstinence and threatening children with a lifetime in hell only furthers the shame and fears regarding one of humanity’s most beautiful acts.

At a minimum, if you have [had] multiple sexual partners or your partner has [had] multiple sexual partners, you should be using condoms not only as a form of contraception but as somewhat of a preventative measure against STIs as well. I would like it stated in bold, though, that condoms alone aren’t 100% effective, which leads me to the part people seem to be allergic to TESTING.

Photographed by Agustin Farias, courtesy of Death To Stock Photo

A note on some bedside manners, for the love of all that is holy, don’t bring those gaslighting tactics into the bedroom. Let me run you through some lies and some red flags. “I can’t feel anything with a condom on,” lie. “Awh, babe, I swear I’ll pull out”, lie. “I don’t need to test, and I’m not going to. You’re just paranoid” red flag. “No, we don’t need a condom. I’m on birth control” red flag. Basically, what I want people to really internalise is that sex is an act in which both parties need to feel safe and seen, and sexual safety should play a big part in that. If someone is trying to gaslight you into unprotected sex or they don’t want to test, run for the hills. Here’s the thing: testing is stressful, and people often get into the out of sight out of, mind thought pattern, but knowing your status is an invaluable asset that gives peace of mind to you and your partners, even if those 15 min waiting for your results can often feel like torture. I also don’t think people can use the excuse that testing is inaccessible anymore. I’ll be the first to admit that some platforms charge exorbitant prices, but other, more affordable options are available. Generally, I try to test pretty regularly and mostly get the STD Combo kit from Famka to test at home. This means that if I get a positive result (a false positive is far more likely than a false negative), I can have the result confirmed through lab testing, which works out to be far more affordable than dropping 6k for everything just to come back negative. Other resources and clinics to take into consideration are Public Hospitals across SA, Get Tested, Better2Know, Epicentre, Contro and the everlasting fantastic work done by Marie Stopes – not only in HIV and STI screening but also in creating a safe and affordable place for abortions and contraceptive measures.

I would, however, caveat some of the institutions listed and put out a word of warning. Read the T’s and C’s as your information may not be as private as you may think and also, I need to bring up that from my research, public hospitals only seem to provide free treatment and testing if you are already showing symptoms which, in my opinion, slightly defeats the purpose. 

I know you think you don’t have to test, and I know that even if you do, it may be an experience shrouded in secrecy, but I hope that we can start a process of destigmatising STI screenings and HIV tests. Tell your friends you have peace of mind and that they should too. Let them know just how sexy you think safe sex is and how good sexual health practices are. I would like to close by referring back to the statement that STIs don’t discriminate. At the end of the day, rampant STI rates aren’t about poverty or status but rather a reflection of a society that has stigmatised sexual health so much that we struggle and often fail to consider safe sex as the standard and not the exception. Let’s be safe and sexy, this Dezemba. 

Written by: Casey Delport

For more news, visit the Connect Everything Collective homepage www.ceconline.co.za

It’s been a couple of years since the term ‘Hot Girl Summer’ became a part of our everyday vocabulary when Megan Thee Stallion coined the phrase and released a mega-hit song to accompany it. In response, some butthurt frat boys (by which I mean Tom Hanks’ son) had to declare a white boy summer because, damn, it seems my gender can’t allow women to have anything. Regardless of the phrase’s origins or how much it’s used in the current slew of internet slang, there is no doubt that as soon as temperatures start to rise, the serotonin and sex drive of the youth spark at a now internalised understanding of just what it means to have a hot girl/boy summer.

Now, while hot girl/boy summer looks different for everyone, there are a few telltale signs across the board to signify that you are indeed in the midst of one such summer. You’ll be socialising more, way more, as you wake up from your winter social slumber. This will probably also be after the inevitable but painful cutting of the cord with your cuffing season cutie, so my condolences on that. Back to it, though, whether more socialising means you are at Blondie from lunch sipping on palomas and building up a sweat – just to have to yell at the German tourist you’re trying to flirt with as soon as the sun sets. Or, it simply means getting back on all of the dreaded apps, and whether you go by he/she/they or them: it’s time to get flirty, sultry, saucy, and even slutty.

This kind of behaviour comes with some sense of self-serving hedonism; that ‘controlled but slightly scary’ self-indulgence that can sometimes border on self-harming. So, today, I want to change the narrative a bit. Look, I’m as big a fan of escapist hedonism as you’re likely to meet outside a sex dungeon in a Berlin bunker, but having hot boy summered a bit too close to the sun on multiple occasions (somewhat of a modern fuckboy version of the Greek tale of Icarus, if you will) I am intimately aware of some of the fallout that mostly follows such sweet summers. Because of this, I want to set up a bit of a guide to having a hot, hot, hot summer without hating yourself or the predicament you find yourself in when April rolls around.

Photographed by Cottonbro Studio, courtesy of pexels

Here are the do’s and don’ts of being hot this summer.

First and foremost and it pains me that I have to make this such a pertinent point (but homies have made it clear that they don’t understand or don’t care). MAKE CONSENT A PRIORITY. Consent should not only be a key pillar of any relationship you’re in, but there also needs to be an ongoing understanding that consent is constantly being negotiated. Maybe you made out outside a bar, or damn, perhaps you have even slept together before. None of that means that every interaction between you and that party is consensual, no matter what. I don’t want this getting convoluted. Basically, keep your creepy little claws to yourself unless you have consent. 

This brings me nicely to the next absolute must-do: communicate. Now, I know you’re thinking, “I do”, and unfortunately, I’m here to burst your bubble. Most people reading this, me included, are rather bad communicators. So, what am I really referring to here? Well, simply put, I think it’s the bare minimum to be open and honest with your wants, needs, desires and boundaries in any newfound fling or FWB situation you find yourself in. Is the relationship strictly casual? Are you seeing other people as well? Do you want to see other people? These are all simple questions that we often get too spooked to address or to open up a conversation about in fear that we lose what we have or hurt the person we’re addressing. I can speak out of experience and a newfound understanding due to polyamory. Not knowing and the simple lack of emotional information always hurts far more. At the end of the day, communication is an unbelievably powerful tool. A way for us on an individual basis to bring another person or people into our world by explaining to them how we think, how we feel, how we can be better to them and how they try to be their best selves for us. So let’s stop the vagueness because we all know precisely what the answer is when we get asked, “So what are we?”.​

You may already be in the thick of your sexy summer and you may already have dealt with some of the dilemmas mentioned above. However, there is still one absolute non-negotiable that I think every excellent sexy summer includes, and obviously, that is lots and lots of sex. But here, I want to hammer in the point that a good hot girl/boy summer includes lots and lots of safe sex. Listen, I can’t control this, and at the end of the day, you have to do what you want to do, but consider that it’s never just you putting your health at risk. To this day, it always surprises me how few people regularly test for STIs. Let’s play a little game: When last did you test, how often do you test, and then ask when last (if ever, which is a scary thought) those around you tested? See the dilemma? I’m all about fun, but I’m all about safe fun. So here’s a little tip: if you meet a guy that says he can’t wear condoms or that they feel bad, he’s lying. And if you ever meet someone who can’t show you a recent test or isn’t willing to test, RUN. South Africa has rampant levels of STI infections across all classes and groupings – outside the ongoing HIV epidemic – so please, please, please go and get comprehensive tests done at institutions like Marie Stopes or order home testing kits from Famka or similar sites, particularly if you have multiple sexual partners.

Photographed by Tim Samuel, courtesy of pexels

You’re well on your way to having the hottest and sauciest of summers, but I want to consider one last point, and it’s precisely that: consideration. In these times, be present and considerate not only to those around you but also to yourself. Have good, well-rounded inner dialogue to check in on your emotional well-being, centre yourself in well yourself rather than all the outward distractions, and be the thing in which you route your joy. It’s safer than rooting your happiness in a surfer bro that may or may not have chlamydia. Just food for thought.

Written by: Casey Delport

For more news, visit the Connect Everything Collective homepage www.ceconline.co.za